Each year my family has Thanksgiving dinner at my grandma’s house. It’s a small house and there are ten family members who cram together to give “thanks” for everything we have. The food is plentiful and everyone enjoys the family conversation. This is until Uncle Jack shows up late smelling of booze and bringing the girl of the month he most likely found at the last truck stop motel he visited. No one in my family has the heart to tell Uncle Jack he ruins every event he attends and we don’t want him around anymore.
Is there a way we can accomplish this without hurting feelings?
~ Concerned "Turkey Day" Tom
Every family member has that one relative who can turn any event into an uncomfortable situation much like Roman Polanski at a circus. There is an easy solution to accomplish banning Uncle Jack. You challenge him to break the wishbone of the turkey with you. Winner stays for the remainder of dinner and the loser has to leave the family forever. You will need to spend months preparing for this moment though as you cannot under –estimate the strength and skill level of a drunken Uncle who has been challenged to a lazy man sport. Start with the small turkeys and work your way up to the 20 pound bird you will be having for Thanksgiving. Make sure you get the right consistency when drying out the wishbone for the contest…any extra moisture could result from lifetime of solitude. Challenge Uncle Jack when desert is about to be served. He will find challenge irresistible and even recruit Grandma to do the play-by-play.
And so it begins. The sweat beads down your forehead as Uncle Jack opens his mouth to let the mixture of Jack Daniels, gravy and turkey spew from his mouth to catch you off –guard. This is when you execute your secret weapon and pull a miniature bottle of peppermint schnapps from your back pocket with your left-hand and wave it in front of Uncle Jack. He hesitates and at that moment you punch him in the face and break the wishbone in your favor.
Lucky for you though. I tried this with my Uncle Frank. He punched me first and now I eat Thanksgiving dinner by myself in the Happy Wok down the street.